Thursday, August 27, 2009

Day 14

So what can a mommy / alcoholic say about her drinking in the 15 minutes she has before she has to put the kids to bed? Not as much as she'd like to, particularly since f'ing creditors won't stop calling every five f'ing minutes. But she'll try.

Day 14. Two weeks. Wow, I am simultaneously impressed and incredibly depressed. Impressed that I made it this far, I can't remember the last time I was sober for 14 days consecutively, it was probably back before I started drinking and drugging when I was 16. Depressed because it's only been two weeks! How can that be, I feel as if a life-time has passed in these 14 days. How will I ever make it through the next weeks, months, years?! Argh! I know they say one day at a time but that shit don't work for me. I have to tell myself never again or I WILL drink tomorrow, and I don't want that.

I'm keeping my motivation in the front of my mind, my two kids. They deserve a sober mommy. They deserve to grow up and know they were safe and cared for at all time. My eldest is going into third grade, she's old enough to notice when mommy is acting weird. Old enough to start figuring out that I'm not okay. And that's not okay. I don't want her to worry about me, or be embarrassed of me, or afraid of me. When she's a teen I want to be able to tell her honestly about the dangers of drinking or using to members of our family. I don't want her, or her sister, to repeat mine and her father's mistakes.

So I'll keep at this not drinking thing, even though it's turning me into a monstrous bitch from hell, on the job and off. I may get fired for talking back to my superiors, but at least I'll be sober when it happens.

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