Thursday, August 27, 2009

Day 14

So what can a mommy / alcoholic say about her drinking in the 15 minutes she has before she has to put the kids to bed? Not as much as she'd like to, particularly since f'ing creditors won't stop calling every five f'ing minutes. But she'll try.

Day 14. Two weeks. Wow, I am simultaneously impressed and incredibly depressed. Impressed that I made it this far, I can't remember the last time I was sober for 14 days consecutively, it was probably back before I started drinking and drugging when I was 16. Depressed because it's only been two weeks! How can that be, I feel as if a life-time has passed in these 14 days. How will I ever make it through the next weeks, months, years?! Argh! I know they say one day at a time but that shit don't work for me. I have to tell myself never again or I WILL drink tomorrow, and I don't want that.

I'm keeping my motivation in the front of my mind, my two kids. They deserve a sober mommy. They deserve to grow up and know they were safe and cared for at all time. My eldest is going into third grade, she's old enough to notice when mommy is acting weird. Old enough to start figuring out that I'm not okay. And that's not okay. I don't want her to worry about me, or be embarrassed of me, or afraid of me. When she's a teen I want to be able to tell her honestly about the dangers of drinking or using to members of our family. I don't want her, or her sister, to repeat mine and her father's mistakes.

So I'll keep at this not drinking thing, even though it's turning me into a monstrous bitch from hell, on the job and off. I may get fired for talking back to my superiors, but at least I'll be sober when it happens.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Day 13

I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink. I want a drink.

I didn't take one. I'm not going to take one today.

Being sober sucks, but being a drunk sucks worse.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Day 9

I'm sick. You'd think this would make staying sober easier, but the fact of the matter is that each day is progressively harder. Because I'm sick I can't go to meetings, but after the third meeting the shine really wore off. I'm no longer on that pink cloud of recovery, I'm just angry and sad that I can't have a drink ever again. I know I'm supposed to go day by day, but I can't stop that never again mantra from running through my head.

When I started this blog I thought it would serve as a diary of my recovery. In being such, I would write about my previous blunders, farces, and feelings. I would get everything out. Now I find that my thoughts are stuck to the inside of my brain like glue, and are refusing to move. One of these days maybe I'll be able to do as I wished.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Day 7

Today's been a rough one. It's been seven days since I had a drink, which is probably the longest I've ever been sober in one stretch since I started drinking and drugging when I was a teen. The past six days weren't exactly easy sailing, but it was always in the front of my mind as I craved that drink that I couldn't take it. I'd stare at that last bottle of beer in the fridge and go weak in the knees with desire, but I knew I couldn't give in. Today though... I... forgot? Forgot you say?! How the fuck do you forget your a drunk? Well, it happens kinda like this:

It was a rough day at work. Yeah, yeah, yeah we all have those days. I'm not making excuses, just setting the scene, ok? It was a rough day, full of problems, breakdowns and stress. As I was getting ready to go home, the thought flashed through my head of how great it was going to be to go home, relax in front of the TV, and have a glass of wine. I savored this thought for several seconds before my dream train ran into the brick wall of my alcoholism. First came, "shit girl, you can't have a glass of wine, you're going sober!" Then came, "how could I forget that?"

I think for the first time this week, I was kept mentally distracted enough to forget about AA and getting sober. Forgetting about them allowed my old thought habits to resurface unrestrained, like a monster from the depths. It was a depressing awakening as to how very far I have to go before I'm really sober.

But you know what? I still didn't take that drink ;-)