Life has been high maintenance lately. We've had a long-term guest, done lots of traveling, and been gearing up for back to school and the High Holidays for about a month now. There are layoffs happening at my workplace (I think I'm safe, for now) and my relationship with my husband has been strained, to say the least. I'm frazzled and not taking good care of myself, my health, or my sobriety.
This past weekend the family plus guest were on a mini-vacation to a big city that we've never been to before. It was beautiful and all the children had a wonderful time and so did I, kind-of. But it was stressful. Traveling 5 hours with 5 people in a small car, spending a fortune in the city on sight-seeing, navigating busy streets packed with people and cars and no parking to be found would be enough to stress anybody out! Then there was my husband, he spent the majority of our one full day there being distant and pissy. He wouldn't talk to me and he radiated anger and frustration all day. Clearly he was trying not to say anything to upset me or ruin our trip, but the negativity pouring out of him was enough to make what could have been a magical day mediocre, and that was enough to get my resentment boiling!
At the end of the day the 5 of us made our way back to the neighboring suburb where our hotel was. After a short rest for mom (I literally fell on the bed and passed out for 30 minutes) we walked across the street to a recommended restaurant. As we sat and waited on our food and my husband sipped his beer I decided to order myself a non-alcoholic beer or virgin cocktail. I don't drink them often, but on occasion I enjoy one and this evening I needed to treat myself a little. As I glanced over the drink menu, looking for something without alcohol my eyes fell to the wine card and that devil of a thought popped into my head, "I could have just one glass of wine. After all, I've been sober one year now, what harm could one glass of wine, just this one time do?" I could taste a nice glass of Merlot, sliding down my throat, warming my stomach and brain. It seemed so harmless, one single glass on one night out far from home. I entertained the thought only for a moment or two before ordering a non-alcoholic beer, but it seemed like so much longer. Then I thought through the drink to it's consequences: I'd have to start my sobriety count over again, throwing away one whole year. I'd have to explain myself to my sponsor and my AA family. I'd have to deal with my husband's disapproval. Worst of all, I'd be putting myself right back where I was a little over a year ago, with wine running my life. Because it never is just one.
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So glad for your choice!
ReplyDeleteBut it does sound like - as my husband's sponsor would say - you need to redouble your efforts in the program; meeting attendance, serving, sponsoring someone, working in central office taking calls, etc.
My husband was experiencing the onset of 'restless, irritable, and discontent' but did NOT redouble and he is drinking again after 3.5 yrs sober. (At one point he had 7 years and drank them away!)
Relapse is part of recovery and the world won't end as a result of a relapse (unless you drink like HE does in which case without sobriety, he can only hope for jail, death, or insanity).
All that to say, these first creeping thoughts are exactly how my hubby's relapse began... and like you said, it is never just one.
xo