I'm addicted to the internet. Actually, it's more than that. I'm addicted to distraction. TV, Netflix, music, blogs, it's all the same. I need it, in the background, the foreground, the in between. I spend 90% of my waking hours in front of a screen, and the rest wishing I was. I check Facebook hundreds of times a day. Yes, hundreds. It's a problem.
It started out innocently enough, checking in on email, Facebook, my favorite bloggers at the start of my day, along with my first cup of coffee. But now I get to the end of my 8 hour work day and I find that I haven't worked at all. And it's not just a day, it's every day. I am so behind on projects, by months for some of them. I claim to be busy, and I AM, but I'm mostly busy avoiding any work. It has to stop.
I come home and it's more of the same: I stream TV on my laptop while cleaning the kitchen, making dinner, eating, sewing, folding laundry, making the beds, taking a bath. The same way I used to have a glass of wine by my side all the time, I have my laptop playing something with me at all times. It has to stop.
My daughter was home sick today, and I was 'working from home'. I visited numerous blogs, posted dozens of links and statuses to Facebook, wrote friends, watched You Tube clips, and sat on my ass. My daughter amused herself by playing with PlayDo, watching a movie, making paper dolls, painting and reading. A few times she asked me to do something with her and I replied tersely with, 'I have to work', except I didn't work, I surfed. Suddenly it was 3, and I had to shower and get ready for appointments, errands and more. I didn't even have time to wash my hair, and I hadn't done anything I planned to do for the day. It has to stop.
It hit me today, what I've been joking to myself about for a while now, I'm addicted. I am keeping myself out of the present, keeping myself numbed and deluded with media. I am acting EXACTLY like I did when I was drinking. AND IT HAS TO STOP. Before I lose my job, my kids, my husband, my home. I can be irresponsible no longer.
It's tough, and I haven't figured out how I'm going to do it yet. I work in IT, I develop websites for a living, I have an online store. I can't exactly go cold turkey off the internet. I've tried moderating (only going online after the kids are in bed, deleting all my links on my browser) and it never works. So what to do? I don't know yet, I just knew I needed to get this out.
My name is Jane, and I am an addict and alcoholic.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Care
The word care has many meanings, and today I am feeling them all.
Noun
1. A burdened state of mind, as that arising from heavy responsibilities: Work, which keeps piling more and more responsibilities on me.
2. Mental suffering: My alcoholic mind strolling hand in hand with my clinical depression.
3. An object or source of worry, attention, or solicitude: My children, one who is struggling with mental illness, the other who is struggling with a changing body and all the mental, physical, and hormonal anguish that brings with it.
4. Caution in avoiding harm or danger: My marriage, which is so fragile that one good blow could shatter it, so instead I walk on eggshells and keep everything bottled up inside.
5.
a. Close attention; painstaking application:
b. Upkeep; maintenance: My sobriety, maintained through meetings and sometimes by the skin of my teeth.
Verb
1. To be concerned or interested: The girls in my Girl Scout troop, my friends, my family.
2. To provide needed assistance or watchful supervision: Again, my troop, who I care for, even though at this point I resent it very much.
3. To object or mind: The crappy people and parents I have to deal with on a daily basis, the ones who I try not to care about their actions, but I can't help but get worked up over them.
4.
a. To have a liking or attachment:
b. To have a wish; be inclined: The things I would care to do: sew, sing, attend services, play with my kids. Right now I'm only managing to do one of those 4.
5. To be concerned to the degree of: For the most part, I don't care what people think of me. I don't care if I'm being a bitch to people. I don't care if people like me or not. Not in a healthy, 'what other people think of me is none of my business' way, but in a 'screw the whole world' kind of way.
Care is a big issue for me right now. I don't care what people think, and I don't care how I treat people, for the most part anyway. I'm TIRED. I don't want to do what I do anymore. I'm angry. I'm overburdened at work and seriously, extremely under paid. I'm overburdened at home, there is just too much to do for one woman to take care of it all. I resent my commitments, and I resent the people I have to deal with in the course of meeting those commitments. I'm numb. A few weeks ago I felt like a bomb about to explode and I was barely keeping all the crazy in. Now I feel dead. Which is worse? I know I need to open myself up and let myself feel again, but I'm scared so I tell myself I don't have the time. In small moments I fear that I am so busy that I'm missing out on my life. I'm going to wake up one day and find that I'm 50 and I'm all alone, with nothing but broken relationships and resentments on all sides to show for my years of running from one thing to the next. I need to take care of myself, I need to let myself care before it's too late.
Noun
1. A burdened state of mind, as that arising from heavy responsibilities: Work, which keeps piling more and more responsibilities on me.
2. Mental suffering: My alcoholic mind strolling hand in hand with my clinical depression.
3. An object or source of worry, attention, or solicitude: My children, one who is struggling with mental illness, the other who is struggling with a changing body and all the mental, physical, and hormonal anguish that brings with it.
4. Caution in avoiding harm or danger: My marriage, which is so fragile that one good blow could shatter it, so instead I walk on eggshells and keep everything bottled up inside.
5.
a. Close attention; painstaking application:
b. Upkeep; maintenance: My sobriety, maintained through meetings and sometimes by the skin of my teeth.
Verb
1. To be concerned or interested: The girls in my Girl Scout troop, my friends, my family.
2. To provide needed assistance or watchful supervision: Again, my troop, who I care for, even though at this point I resent it very much.
3. To object or mind: The crappy people and parents I have to deal with on a daily basis, the ones who I try not to care about their actions, but I can't help but get worked up over them.
4.
a. To have a liking or attachment:
b. To have a wish; be inclined: The things I would care to do: sew, sing, attend services, play with my kids. Right now I'm only managing to do one of those 4.
5. To be concerned to the degree of: For the most part, I don't care what people think of me. I don't care if I'm being a bitch to people. I don't care if people like me or not. Not in a healthy, 'what other people think of me is none of my business' way, but in a 'screw the whole world' kind of way.
Care is a big issue for me right now. I don't care what people think, and I don't care how I treat people, for the most part anyway. I'm TIRED. I don't want to do what I do anymore. I'm angry. I'm overburdened at work and seriously, extremely under paid. I'm overburdened at home, there is just too much to do for one woman to take care of it all. I resent my commitments, and I resent the people I have to deal with in the course of meeting those commitments. I'm numb. A few weeks ago I felt like a bomb about to explode and I was barely keeping all the crazy in. Now I feel dead. Which is worse? I know I need to open myself up and let myself feel again, but I'm scared so I tell myself I don't have the time. In small moments I fear that I am so busy that I'm missing out on my life. I'm going to wake up one day and find that I'm 50 and I'm all alone, with nothing but broken relationships and resentments on all sides to show for my years of running from one thing to the next. I need to take care of myself, I need to let myself care before it's too late.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Congratulations!
Congratulations to Jenine of Snarkyville on winning the Gratitude Bracelet by Ellie! Thank you everyone who participated.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Expectations
Warning: this post is all over the place and more of a run-on ramble than a coherent post. You'll understand why by the end, if you bear with me.
Tonight I wrote a friend in recovery this text: "I am so f'ing sick of catering to other people's expectations!" You see I am really, horribly, sick right now, the kind of sick you only get once or twice a year. It started out as strep throat but because I didn't take any time to recover it's now progressed to my lungs and sinuses. I didn't take any time to recover because I felt I was needed: at work, to run my kid's to their activities, to lead a Girl Scout meeting, and to prepare for my parents arrival for a visit this Friday. I ran myself into the ground doing all of these things I felt I was 'expected' to do, and now I'm paying the price.
Earlier tonight I talked to my dad and told him I am 'sick as all get out' and that I would probably have to take tomorrow off to recover, which means I can't take Friday off to clean for their visit as planned. I warned him not to expect a shiny, organized house and he grumbled. We talked about their visit and it's clear that his expectations far exceed what I am capable of providing. After our talk, I dragged myself off the couch I had collapsed onto just 15 minutes or so before in order to make dinner for the family. I decided that I wasn't up to more than chicken nuggets and french fries and headed down to the basement deep freezer to grab them. When I walked into the basement, there I found my husband, in his robe, asleep on the couch. He had taken the day off and not even told me. Mildly put, I lost it. I yelled at him to get up, told him since he slept all day he could now feed, medicate, supervise and bathe the kids. I handed him the packages of frozen food and went to bed. But instead of sleeping I stewed.
I feel so put upon, by so many people. I am over-extended, over-worked, and overwrought. But the sober voice in my head is reminding me that I bring this all upon myself. I make the choices to do what I do, I can't blame other people my actions. And all these expectations that I feel I can't live up to, who is really putting them on me? In some cases, like with my parents, it's true that they hold me (and everyone) to a very high standard, but in others it's all me, it's all in my head. Would the Girl Scouts have cared if I had handed the meeting off to someone else? No. Would work have cared if I had stayed home a day or two? Not really. I want to stop catering to other people's expectations, but first I have to stop catering to MINE. I have to let myself breathe. It's scary, because this is how I treated myself in my drinking days. I was so hard on myself! I thought I'd gotten over that, but old habits die hard I guess. I need some of that serenity, some of that wisdom, that came in the first months of sobriety when everything was rosy. Mostly I need to forgive myself for not being perfect.
Tonight I wrote a friend in recovery this text: "I am so f'ing sick of catering to other people's expectations!" You see I am really, horribly, sick right now, the kind of sick you only get once or twice a year. It started out as strep throat but because I didn't take any time to recover it's now progressed to my lungs and sinuses. I didn't take any time to recover because I felt I was needed: at work, to run my kid's to their activities, to lead a Girl Scout meeting, and to prepare for my parents arrival for a visit this Friday. I ran myself into the ground doing all of these things I felt I was 'expected' to do, and now I'm paying the price.
Earlier tonight I talked to my dad and told him I am 'sick as all get out' and that I would probably have to take tomorrow off to recover, which means I can't take Friday off to clean for their visit as planned. I warned him not to expect a shiny, organized house and he grumbled. We talked about their visit and it's clear that his expectations far exceed what I am capable of providing. After our talk, I dragged myself off the couch I had collapsed onto just 15 minutes or so before in order to make dinner for the family. I decided that I wasn't up to more than chicken nuggets and french fries and headed down to the basement deep freezer to grab them. When I walked into the basement, there I found my husband, in his robe, asleep on the couch. He had taken the day off and not even told me. Mildly put, I lost it. I yelled at him to get up, told him since he slept all day he could now feed, medicate, supervise and bathe the kids. I handed him the packages of frozen food and went to bed. But instead of sleeping I stewed.
I feel so put upon, by so many people. I am over-extended, over-worked, and overwrought. But the sober voice in my head is reminding me that I bring this all upon myself. I make the choices to do what I do, I can't blame other people my actions. And all these expectations that I feel I can't live up to, who is really putting them on me? In some cases, like with my parents, it's true that they hold me (and everyone) to a very high standard, but in others it's all me, it's all in my head. Would the Girl Scouts have cared if I had handed the meeting off to someone else? No. Would work have cared if I had stayed home a day or two? Not really. I want to stop catering to other people's expectations, but first I have to stop catering to MINE. I have to let myself breathe. It's scary, because this is how I treated myself in my drinking days. I was so hard on myself! I thought I'd gotten over that, but old habits die hard I guess. I need some of that serenity, some of that wisdom, that came in the first months of sobriety when everything was rosy. Mostly I need to forgive myself for not being perfect.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Giveaway!
***Congratulations to Jenine of Snarkyville on winning the Gratitude Bracelet by Ellie! Thank you everyone who participated.***
There are many people who have helped me to stay sober over the last year. Many of these people I have never even met 'in real life', yet I consider them friends none-the-less. One of these fantastic women is Ellie from One Crafty Mother. I can't remember how I found Ellie's blog, but once I did I was hooked. Her stories of addiction and recovery are so shockingly similar to mine. It was through her posts and those of other mommy bloggers like her that I found out that I am not alone. I am not the only suburban, middle class, married, 'perfect' mom with this disease. In reading about her past, I was able to forgive myself for mine. In reading about her present, I am able to find the grace and strength to continue in my sobriety journey. I am so grateful for the gifts she has given me with her words, and now I have a chance to share that gift with you. I am hosting a giveaway of this beautiful bracelet made by Ellie.
The contest will run until October, 15th, when I will pick a winner using random.org. There are several ways to enter:
1) Leave a comment with your email address below to let me know you'd like to be entered into the contest (use ________AT_________DOT com to fool the spam bots); or email me at drunkendamage AT gmail DOT com if you prefer.
2) Follow me using Google Friend Connect in the upper right hand corner of my blog, then leave a comment to let me know that you did so.
3) Follow Ellie at One Crafty Mother then leave a comment here to let me know that you did so.
4) Follow Ellie on Twitter; @onecraftyellie then leave me a comment to let me know you did so.
5) Like Ellie's Facebook page One Crafty Mother and leave me a comment that you did.
6) Go to the shop Shining Stones and leave a separate comment for every piece you like, with the name of the piece or a link back to it in the shop.
For every comment you leave you get another entry into the contest, just make sure you don't nest comments or they won't get counted. In addition, you can get a discount on any piece in Ellie's shop for the duration of the contest. To take advantage of the 15% discount, go to Ellie's shop here: www.shiningstones.etsy.com and select your item(s). At checkout, click on "other" for method of payment, and put the following promotional code in the message to seller: GIVEAWAY15. You will get a message saying "contact seller to arrange payment", but Ellie will contact you to set up a direct bill (at the discounted rate) via paypal, check or money order.
I'll announce the winner on October 15th. Good luck!
There are many people who have helped me to stay sober over the last year. Many of these people I have never even met 'in real life', yet I consider them friends none-the-less. One of these fantastic women is Ellie from One Crafty Mother. I can't remember how I found Ellie's blog, but once I did I was hooked. Her stories of addiction and recovery are so shockingly similar to mine. It was through her posts and those of other mommy bloggers like her that I found out that I am not alone. I am not the only suburban, middle class, married, 'perfect' mom with this disease. In reading about her past, I was able to forgive myself for mine. In reading about her present, I am able to find the grace and strength to continue in my sobriety journey. I am so grateful for the gifts she has given me with her words, and now I have a chance to share that gift with you. I am hosting a giveaway of this beautiful bracelet made by Ellie.
The contest will run until October, 15th, when I will pick a winner using random.org. There are several ways to enter:
1) Leave a comment with your email address below to let me know you'd like to be entered into the contest (use ________AT_________DOT com to fool the spam bots); or email me at drunkendamage AT gmail DOT com if you prefer.
2) Follow me using Google Friend Connect in the upper right hand corner of my blog, then leave a comment to let me know that you did so.
3) Follow Ellie at One Crafty Mother then leave a comment here to let me know that you did so.
4) Follow Ellie on Twitter; @onecraftyellie then leave me a comment to let me know you did so.
5) Like Ellie's Facebook page One Crafty Mother and leave me a comment that you did.
6) Go to the shop Shining Stones and leave a separate comment for every piece you like, with the name of the piece or a link back to it in the shop.
For every comment you leave you get another entry into the contest, just make sure you don't nest comments or they won't get counted. In addition, you can get a discount on any piece in Ellie's shop for the duration of the contest. To take advantage of the 15% discount, go to Ellie's shop here: www.shiningstones.etsy.com and select your item(s). At checkout, click on "other" for method of payment, and put the following promotional code in the message to seller: GIVEAWAY15. You will get a message saying "contact seller to arrange payment", but Ellie will contact you to set up a direct bill (at the discounted rate) via paypal, check or money order.
I'll announce the winner on October 15th. Good luck!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Just One
Life has been high maintenance lately. We've had a long-term guest, done lots of traveling, and been gearing up for back to school and the High Holidays for about a month now. There are layoffs happening at my workplace (I think I'm safe, for now) and my relationship with my husband has been strained, to say the least. I'm frazzled and not taking good care of myself, my health, or my sobriety.
This past weekend the family plus guest were on a mini-vacation to a big city that we've never been to before. It was beautiful and all the children had a wonderful time and so did I, kind-of. But it was stressful. Traveling 5 hours with 5 people in a small car, spending a fortune in the city on sight-seeing, navigating busy streets packed with people and cars and no parking to be found would be enough to stress anybody out! Then there was my husband, he spent the majority of our one full day there being distant and pissy. He wouldn't talk to me and he radiated anger and frustration all day. Clearly he was trying not to say anything to upset me or ruin our trip, but the negativity pouring out of him was enough to make what could have been a magical day mediocre, and that was enough to get my resentment boiling!
At the end of the day the 5 of us made our way back to the neighboring suburb where our hotel was. After a short rest for mom (I literally fell on the bed and passed out for 30 minutes) we walked across the street to a recommended restaurant. As we sat and waited on our food and my husband sipped his beer I decided to order myself a non-alcoholic beer or virgin cocktail. I don't drink them often, but on occasion I enjoy one and this evening I needed to treat myself a little. As I glanced over the drink menu, looking for something without alcohol my eyes fell to the wine card and that devil of a thought popped into my head, "I could have just one glass of wine. After all, I've been sober one year now, what harm could one glass of wine, just this one time do?" I could taste a nice glass of Merlot, sliding down my throat, warming my stomach and brain. It seemed so harmless, one single glass on one night out far from home. I entertained the thought only for a moment or two before ordering a non-alcoholic beer, but it seemed like so much longer. Then I thought through the drink to it's consequences: I'd have to start my sobriety count over again, throwing away one whole year. I'd have to explain myself to my sponsor and my AA family. I'd have to deal with my husband's disapproval. Worst of all, I'd be putting myself right back where I was a little over a year ago, with wine running my life. Because it never is just one.
This past weekend the family plus guest were on a mini-vacation to a big city that we've never been to before. It was beautiful and all the children had a wonderful time and so did I, kind-of. But it was stressful. Traveling 5 hours with 5 people in a small car, spending a fortune in the city on sight-seeing, navigating busy streets packed with people and cars and no parking to be found would be enough to stress anybody out! Then there was my husband, he spent the majority of our one full day there being distant and pissy. He wouldn't talk to me and he radiated anger and frustration all day. Clearly he was trying not to say anything to upset me or ruin our trip, but the negativity pouring out of him was enough to make what could have been a magical day mediocre, and that was enough to get my resentment boiling!
At the end of the day the 5 of us made our way back to the neighboring suburb where our hotel was. After a short rest for mom (I literally fell on the bed and passed out for 30 minutes) we walked across the street to a recommended restaurant. As we sat and waited on our food and my husband sipped his beer I decided to order myself a non-alcoholic beer or virgin cocktail. I don't drink them often, but on occasion I enjoy one and this evening I needed to treat myself a little. As I glanced over the drink menu, looking for something without alcohol my eyes fell to the wine card and that devil of a thought popped into my head, "I could have just one glass of wine. After all, I've been sober one year now, what harm could one glass of wine, just this one time do?" I could taste a nice glass of Merlot, sliding down my throat, warming my stomach and brain. It seemed so harmless, one single glass on one night out far from home. I entertained the thought only for a moment or two before ordering a non-alcoholic beer, but it seemed like so much longer. Then I thought through the drink to it's consequences: I'd have to start my sobriety count over again, throwing away one whole year. I'd have to explain myself to my sponsor and my AA family. I'd have to deal with my husband's disapproval. Worst of all, I'd be putting myself right back where I was a little over a year ago, with wine running my life. Because it never is just one.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Loss & Faith
Last night I attended a beautiful Kabbalat Shabbat service at my synagogue. It was led by a group of teens and they were amazing. I've never see that many teenagers smiling at once! They were lit up with joy in praise. It was truly beautiful. I kept thinking one word: Home. For the first time in my life, with this congration I have found a place of loving kindness, acceptance and joy.
This morning, I learned of the death of a woman in my home group to cancer. A woman I didn't know well, but who always inspired me with her light, love, and hope. Her husband, who is also in the program, attended the meeting despite having just said good-bye to his wife hours before. As he put it, 'At a time like this you want to be with family, and this is my family. She would have wanted me to come.' I thought of my own loved ones. Would I be at a meeting on the day of their loss? I like to think I would. When I first got sober, I had an out: I thought that if I ever lost either of my children that would be my excuse to drink myself to death. Later, I came to understand that to drink again over their death would be to dishonor their memory. They would not want me to give up my life and my sobriety because of them.
At my table this morning the topic was faith. People talked about how their Higher Power saved their lives, how He( or She, or It) kept them safe through their drinking. Personally, I can't believe that God has saved me. To summarize something that Elie Wiesel, Nobel Prize winning laureate and Holocaust survivor has said; I can't believe that God save me, because to believe that would be to hold my life as more worth of saving than the 6 million Jews who died in the Holocaust. My life is no more worthy than theirs or any others.
They also talked about the line from Acceptance: "Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake", and how having faith that things happen for a reason carries them through. Again, I can't believe that God wants everything that happens to happen. To reconcile this with the loving God that I do believe in I turn to free will. God did not kill those 6 million Jews, Nazi's did. Nazi's - humans - who chose very, very wrong. I think God mourned their choices, the loss of their souls to such depravity and evil just as he mourned the massacre of the Jewish people.
So where am I going with all this? The loss of any life is a terrible thing. It can drag us down, or it can inspire us to lift ourselves up. This morning, I mourned along with a man honoring his wife and her life in the best way he could. Last night I praised God with joy along with a people who survived one of the most atrocious acts of mankind in history. In both places, I found joy, gratitude, and love. Perhaps it is because we have seen the darkest of the dark that recovering alcoholics and Jews are capable of such great light. Perhaps it is because we have faith. Whatever the reason, I am so grateful to have all of these people in my life.
This morning, I learned of the death of a woman in my home group to cancer. A woman I didn't know well, but who always inspired me with her light, love, and hope. Her husband, who is also in the program, attended the meeting despite having just said good-bye to his wife hours before. As he put it, 'At a time like this you want to be with family, and this is my family. She would have wanted me to come.' I thought of my own loved ones. Would I be at a meeting on the day of their loss? I like to think I would. When I first got sober, I had an out: I thought that if I ever lost either of my children that would be my excuse to drink myself to death. Later, I came to understand that to drink again over their death would be to dishonor their memory. They would not want me to give up my life and my sobriety because of them.
At my table this morning the topic was faith. People talked about how their Higher Power saved their lives, how He( or She, or It) kept them safe through their drinking. Personally, I can't believe that God has saved me. To summarize something that Elie Wiesel, Nobel Prize winning laureate and Holocaust survivor has said; I can't believe that God save me, because to believe that would be to hold my life as more worth of saving than the 6 million Jews who died in the Holocaust. My life is no more worthy than theirs or any others.
They also talked about the line from Acceptance: "Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake", and how having faith that things happen for a reason carries them through. Again, I can't believe that God wants everything that happens to happen. To reconcile this with the loving God that I do believe in I turn to free will. God did not kill those 6 million Jews, Nazi's did. Nazi's - humans - who chose very, very wrong. I think God mourned their choices, the loss of their souls to such depravity and evil just as he mourned the massacre of the Jewish people.
So where am I going with all this? The loss of any life is a terrible thing. It can drag us down, or it can inspire us to lift ourselves up. This morning, I mourned along with a man honoring his wife and her life in the best way he could. Last night I praised God with joy along with a people who survived one of the most atrocious acts of mankind in history. In both places, I found joy, gratitude, and love. Perhaps it is because we have seen the darkest of the dark that recovering alcoholics and Jews are capable of such great light. Perhaps it is because we have faith. Whatever the reason, I am so grateful to have all of these people in my life.
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